July 13, 2000 - Today is my birthday! Another year older and hopefully wiser. I just got in from an interestingevening with Mike. We stopped past Santa Barbara Roasting Co., a popular coffeehouse that we rarely visit. Mike was sitting on a bench out front while I was getting some coffee. When I came outside he introduced me to a man he has just met named Willie. He was a friendly, interesting character. We spent the next hour talking about travelling in Europe and Mexico, drugs, cults and religion, relationships, street gangs, the wealthy people in SB, etc. In that short time we discovered that he is 38 years old, Mexican, has fathered four children by three different women, drives a cement truck and is living in his car to save money. Normally we don't sit and chat with strangers but something was comfortable about him. I guess it was his openness about his life. I rarely find another who speaks from the heart these days - except on paper which is why I enjoy zines so much. It was a great way to begin my birthday. Chance encounters are the best. Willie talked about not being able to stay faithful with a woman for very long. I sat there glancing over at Mike and realized just how lucky I am to have a man who is faithful to me. A rarity nowadays. Oh yes, this is going to be a very happy birthday!
July 14 - I had a very mellow birthday. I got presents galour from my family after work. Then I headed over to the Boys & Girls Club to coach mygirl's basketball team. We lost our third game in a row! Oh well, I didn't let that get me down. An hour later I met Mike downtown at the Coffee Cat. We were both craving flapcakes so we ended up at The International House of Pancakes! I was in a great mood being as silly as always. The "Red, White, and Blueberry" special was the perfect birthday dinner. Any restaurant is a romantic place with Mike! This weekend we are going to celebrate with my family the traditional way with cake and ice cream. Yum, yum.
July 19 - Tonight we went to see our friend Tony and Mike's co-worker Eric perform at Roy's Bar & Restaurant. It was a lively mixture of spoken word, music and theatre. A truly unique performance. Tony plays violin, clarinet and electric guitar while Eric sits at the organ pumping out carnival like music. They write short but memorable little diddies like "Daddy Wouldn't Buy Me a Bow Wow Wow", "Let's Not Think, Let's Just Do", and "I'm Normal, Just Like You". Tony uses lots of props, and really belts out a tune in a strange sort of way. When their CD comes out hopefully I'll be able to add it to my website.
August 6 - Viva La Fiesta! That's right, it's "Old Spanish Days" here in Santa Barbara. Every year on the first weekend of this month our beautiful city is bombarded with nasty tourists and stupid ass drunken college kids. They run around singing, yelling, fighting, breaking bottles, throwing up, and littering the streets. Fiesta is the biggest tourist draw of the year. Locals like me hate this holiday. Imagine seeing old rich people and young white yuppie types dressed up like "Mexicans" eating tacos and tortas and pretending to be cool. These jerks wouldn't be caught dead associating with a Latino unless it was to give them the keys to their BMW at the carwash. It sucks! If you know California history the Spaniards arrived on the west coast, raped and killed Native Americans, took their land and made them build our lovely Old Mission with their blood. Yeah, let's bring the Catholic religion in and save these poor savages. I hate this celebration! Go ahead, ask any of the assholes running around downtown State St. what this holiday is about. They'd probably tell you its a Mexican holiday since every brown skinned person around here is Mexican, right? Bastards! I could go on with the little rant but its late and I still have a video to watch. I'm sure I'll touch on the subject again. I was especially bothered by all the little drunken sluts I saw running around half naked. Women have got to take some responsibility for their safely and not be such little teases. Come on, Miss "let's pretend I'm a grown up" - you know you have the power to get Junior all hot and bothered, right? Don't get into a situation you can't handle. Yeah, you look hot but you are just asking for trouble. Teasing is a guy one thing, fighting off a rapist is another. No, I'm not saying its a woman's fault for getting raped but damnit, don't be stupid. I know, I'll get a lot of shit about this but I don't care.
August 30 @ 12M - Right now is a weird time for me - lots going on inside. I'm feeling out of place these days. At work, at home, on the streets. I have no family to cling for comfort. Mike doesn't always understand me. Sometimes I feel old, misunderstood, taken for granted, ignored, disliked. Works suck. Assholes roam the streets. I'm mentally exhausted. Yeah, I'm in a really fucked place at the moment. Why does depression always hit me like this? I let little things get me down. I can never just let anything go. Why the hell was I born so sensitive?
August 31- I was feeling out of sorts at work again today. A walking zombie. I feel so empty inside. But how can I feel empty inside when I feel so much pain? I’m confused. My job no longer satisfies me. If there is one thing that a Cancer needs is it's care and guidance, and a sense of belonging. Yes, even in the workplace. I got spoiled by my old supervisor, "the earth mother". Now I’m stuck with a cold fish. It sucks. Yeah, I know it’s “just a job” but damnit, I spend eight fucking hours of my precious time here. Five days a week! That’s more waking hours than I spend with Mike. One of my biggest problems at work is honesty. That’s right, honesty. That’s my downfall. I get physically ill when I’m not truthful. I always speak my mind. Well, standing up and speaking out doesn’t fly around this department. I feel so alienated and disliked. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to work in this environment. I'm keeping my eyes open for another job that pays as well. The things we do for the all mighty dollar. There's got to be a better way.
September 28 - I may close this journal page since I'm not writing on on a regular basis. The "What's New" section is more up-to-date. I wonder if this page is even needed. Then again, there are no set rules for a journal, is there? Decisions, decisions...
BACK
