10 Feb 2002 - The past few weeks I've been fighting the cold from hell which I got from Mike. It literally knocked me on my ass. Antibiotics, lots of water and plenty of bed rest and it's still hanging on. Mike didn't get as sick as I did. Lucky guy. Speaking of Mike, he just had a birthday. I love birthdays and wanted to make this a special one for him. Mike, on the other hand isn't big on holidays and celebrations. I had to figure out a way to honour him without being too annoying. So at midnight I surprised him with balloons, silly presents and a chocolate cake with candles. We had a good time. 29 Apr 02 - I've been doing a lot of writing in my paper journal these days. For some reason though I've been feeling uncomfortable and shy about putting the personal stuff online. Hopefully I will get over it and post here again soon. A girl needs her privacy once in awhile. Be patient with me. 13 May 02 - Today I'm using a vacation day and heading down to Los Angeles to see the Mets at Dodger Stadium. We will be traveling in style aboard on a sold out SB Airbus. This means I can kick back, relax and not deal with the crazy LA traffic. Most of the passengers will be Dodger fans and we'll stand out big time since Mike will be wearing his Mets' team shirt and cap. No worries though, the people are pretty friendly and fun no matter what team you cheer for. Mike got me hooked on the team back in 1998. They have been his favorite team since he was a kid. We rarely see them on TV in California so it's a treat to see them in person. I'm betting on Piazza hitting not one, but two home runs, just for me. (I wish I could talk to him about those silly phone commericals he's been doing with Alf. What's up with that, dude?) I can't wait to get my hands on a tasty hot dog! 28 May 02 - Ok, the secret is out. I'll been having trouble with my left foot, knee and lower back for months. The pain has been affecting me at work and on the home front. Painkillers and physicaltherapy have been of no help at all. My doctor is at a lost because the X-rays and ultrasound came up with nothing. Last week I had to undergo a visit into an MRI machine. All my life I've hated the feeling of being closed in. Even if it's freezing outside I even sleep with the window cracked open. I plan to be cremated for fear of being buried alive. My first two attempts with the machine were horrible. I wouldn't go though with it. I felt like I was in a coffin. My third attempt was a little better. I asked my family doctor to give me the same calming, mind-numbing medication (Xanax) I took on my first airplane trip out to Connecticut back in 1999. I also traveled 90 minutes north to Santa Maria in ordr to have an "open" MRI (meaning there was a little more room on each side of me). The drive up the coast was lovely. My sister was behind the wheel since I was going to be heavily drugged.   *** Once we got there I had papers to sign and then took the pill. I had 40 minutes until the scan and hoped the medicine would be in full force. I sat in the lounge and tried to read a book but was too nervous. A few moments later I was taken to a dressing room and told to take off my bra and anything that contained metal. Then the technician put on some light jazz music. He told me to relax AND warned me not to open my eyes for 45 minutes! Yeah, right! I had no problems except for the very first instant I opened my eyes inside the imager (I heard a bump that scared me!) That’s when I realized I could barely move and that the "top" was only a few inches from my face. It was like being smothered! The drug hadn't taken full affect yet either. The only thing that helped was the conversation I had with Mike earlier that morning. I also held a mini sock monkey representing our beloved Vladamir (who I desperately wanted to bring with me) in my right hand. About half into the procedure I started to calm down and let the gentle music rock in like a baby. The tech finally told me it was over. For 45 minutes felt like hours! The drive back home was peaceful while I kicked back and enjoyed my legal high. The test results came a few days later and revealed a (fill in the blank) in the L5 section of my back. No surgery is required but the pain still comes and goes. We’ll see what happens down the line.   NOTE: If you think I’m a big baby, check out these comments from other MRI survivors.     6 June 02 - Why do I waste my precious time trying to get people to understand me? When will understand me? When will I realize that it's a losing battle? There are mean-spirited and vindictive people out there who find delight in hurting others. It turns them on. They smile and act innocent while slowly turning the knife. I'm sick of being told I'm too sensitive, that I need to loosen up. If someone's actions make me feel uncomfortable, if their words are unsettling and degrading then I don't want them around. I refuse to be the butt of jokes and insults. If you find delight in hurting my feelings you are NOT a friend. I will never trust you again.     13 July 02 - Today is my birthday and I celebrated with my family and Mike. My little sister made yummy beef enchiladas and Spanish rice. They forgot the candles for the cake so I blew out a match instead. I probably would have had trouble blowing out all those candles anyway! Later that evening, Mike gave me a lovely silver heart necklace that I will treasure it forever.     06 Aug 02 - Mike and I have been spending our Saturday afternoons at La Mesa Park, a little known place with beautiful ocean views, a playground, and lots of tall trees. I grew up on the Mesa in the late 1960s and although the area has become overrun with fancy houses and condos, it’s still quite a lovely neighborhood. It’s one of a handful of spots the tourists haven’t discovered yet. For example, Foster’s Freeze, which has the best soft ice cream cones in town, has been there since I was in grade school. Loaded down with a blanket, lawn chairs, books, zines, Game Boy Advance, fries and ice cream, we settled under a peaceful spot and relaxed.   ***   After reading awhile I glanced up to watch the children interacting on the playground equipment. Things have changed since I was young, no more big slides, merry-go-rounds, or monkey bars to climb and leap off of. The playgrounds of today are designed to “protect” kids from getting hurt. Parents scream at their kids “not to run and jump” which I think is disgusting. Whatever happened to acting stupid and having fun? For years now we have been raising a nation of weak and helpless babies! I recall a conversation I had with my nephew when he was in the 4th grade. He told me about the new “playground rules” – no running, no dodge ball, no jumping off the swings, no chasing girls, etc. If you did any of these horrible things you got detention. I nearly fell off the couch! What, no dodge ball? What game builds more character and life skills than that wacky game? Elementary school sure has changed. I told him to ask his teacher why they were stifling normal childhood behavior by taking away their rights to be a kid. he said he’d probably get in trouble for being sassy. “We don’t have the right to voice our opinions, Aunt Lynne.” Isn’t that horrible? Didn’t they ever read the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip? I can still hear the voice of my great-Grandmother Hicks saying, “Children should be seen and not heard.” Although I loved her dearly looking back that’s a pretty shitty statement to make. Wow, I went off on a little rant and all I wanted to write about was a lovely afternoon at the park. Oh well, it feels good to get this off my chest.   27 Aug 02 - My story about the workplace is coming along nicely. Although it reads like a nighttime soap opera, every word, every encounter is true. I just wish that the storyline was a happy one. It's a shame that most of the characters aren't very nice people but I have to be truthful, no matter what.   22 Sept 02 - Why all the fuss about how wonderful summer is? I'm looking forward those cool dark evenings so I can head down to the cafe, enjoy some strong coffee and a good book. I can't wait to turn the clock forward. Yeah, I shine better in the fall. 17 Nov 02 - My dreams have been so vivid and beautiful lately but scary nightmares have been creeping in too. I wish I could silence all the crazy thoughts swirling around my brain. 27 Nov 02 - We bypassed the family gathering and stayed home for Thanksgiving. It was a peaceful day of board games, movies and other silly couple stuff. I didn't roast a turkey this year and that felt good. Yellow saffron rice and veggies were the high point of the meal.   Mike's mom sent us an early Christmas present - a combinationVD/VCR player. Now I can watch all those wonderful episodes of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer I've missed. Thanks Dotty.   06 DEC 02 - I no longer feel a closeness to the small press community. I'm disappointed with the majority of publications I receive. What happened to good writing and content? Doesn't anyone think about layout and print quality anymore? There are some wonderful zines out there but most of what I get is crap. Sad, but true. Right now I want to focus on my own writing, which has been left on the back burner far too long. So, this website will be undergoing a major overhaul. Some zine material will stay but I plan to focus on other issues that concern me as a black woman. Change is good. 17 Dec 02 - A couple of weeks ago I got a fortune from a gypsy machine called Grandmother's Prophecies - "Say farewell to those blues you have been nursing. Get in the habit of looking at the brighter side of life. You have a temperamental nature. You lose your temper easily, but regret it just as fast. You have a brilliant mind and enjoy reading and the fine arts. Your friends appreciate your intelligence and like to come to you with their problems. You have a very sympathetic nature. A dark haired person who is trying to harm you, will soon disappear from your life, and you will extremely happy." Interesting, huh? What I like best is the last sentence. It describes the backstabbing, lying, evil, phony ass co-worker who has been a thorn in my side for months. BACK