16 January 2003 - Martin Luther King was such a great man. It's a shame that the world is still a pretty unhappy place. Happy Birthday, Dr. King. Your dream will come true someday.

 

After nine months of pain, lost wages and insurance hell I finally got the approval for my hand surgery. I could have given birth by now. I went under the knife on December 18th. I believe the procedure was called the excision of the pisiform bone . It took about 40 minutes to get me prepped. With needles in both arms and high on 15 milligrams Valium, I was escorted down a hall to the operating room. A sweet nurse held me up so I wouldn't fall. I remember commenting on the colourful Santa Claus smock she was wearing. The operation itself only took about 15 minutes. I was awake the whole time. I had my CD player with me with 80+ minutes of Nas to listen to but I didn't need it. The doctor, nurses and I chatted the whole time. The blood pressure cup around my upper arm hurt like hell but it was necessary. It kept the numbing medicine from reaching the rest of my body. It felt so strange. I could feel his hands touching me but the pain was there. Next thing I knew he was putting in the stitches. After putting on my cast and helping me set up, he handed me a small plastic jar with the bone inside. I wanted to see and keep the tiny bone that has caused me so much pain. The image to the right is about the actual size of the bone. I'm planning to wear it as a necklace or bracelet. I haven't decided yet. In the meantime time I'm having fun showing it to people. If you really want to gross someone out a bone removed from your body (with some of the gooey insides still attached this is the way to go). This is perfectly expressed Mike's weekly comic, The Runaway Eggplant titled "Nasty Wrist Bone".

 

 

So now I'm off work for about 6 to 8 weeks getting lots of rest, watching soap operas and DVDs, reading books, and becoming a pro at typing using only my left hand. I'm beginning to miss work and my friends in the office. I feel if I'm gone too long I'll forget how to edit a CAR (don't ask). My cast was taken off and the stitches a little over a week ago. My wrist is still quite painful. The bruises are nasty and my wrist looks horrible. The "stain" from those cortisone shots still lingering on. I wonder if it will ever disappear? I'm having a hard time gripping things like soap and even pieces of paper. I'm happy that physical therapy is starting up next week. I've got to take it slow and easy. I don't want to cause any more damage. I can't wait to get back to normal again.

 

My father finally lost his battle with lung cancer last April. It was a very emotional time for me since the two of us never had a good relationship. I keep thinking about all that wasted time, all those lonely years without a father. Now we'll never have the chance to know each other. Never. I was told there were "ten steps" to the grieving process. I think I've only reached step number three so far.

 

Our 5-yr. old Compaq computer finally died in December. Imagine being without email and the Internet for more almost two weeks? We didn't have much money so we took the computer to our friend Jamie at Digital Solutions. I was hoping we didn't lose all of our data. Jamie was able to retrieve all of our files but our computer was useless. Mike and I were planning to head down the street to Circuit City but Jamie said he had a computer to show us. He pointed to this huge black box. It was called Alienware and he had custom built it. I knew the moment I saw I we would not be able to afford it. He started talking about all the features it came with. Mike understood everything he was saying. I thought he would start drooling. I got excited when he said it came with Windows XP. Jamie is a tech God in my eyes so I knew it was a fine piece of equipment. He told us we could have it for $1500. Whoa! There's was no way we could handle that. He said he'd bring it down to $1,000. He would even let us make payments. That was still too rich for our blood. We told him thanks but we'll have to settle for a cheaper one for the time being. It was going to be a pretty bleak Christmas. Then out of nowhere Jamie said we could have it for $600! Whoa! Was I hearing things? He said we were good customers and considered us friends. We didn't have to think twice about it and said yes! Heck, a Dell or Compaq would have been at least that much. Mike is the one who actually bought it. He dipped into his money our European trip later this year. Compared to our old computer we have more disk space that we ever hoped for. As Mike said, Santa really does exist!

 

This year I'm going to write about the things that really interest me. Pop culture, literature, food/cooking, current events, race relations, etc. My fan page for Seth Green is coming too.

4 Feb 03 - Mike's grandmother Elizabeth died last week of pneumonia. She was 98 years old. Imagine all the things she saw and experienced in her lifetime. I was fortunate enough to meet her on our trip to Connecticut in 1999. It was Christmas time and my first trip to the East Coast. I was amazed at how alert she was. I was a little worried about meeting her at first. I didn’t know how she would feel about me. I worried for nothing. She was very friendly and made me feel welcome. I wish we could have spent more time together. I bet she had a lot of wonderful stories to tell. We can learn a lot from older people. I wish our society understood that. We don’t value our elderly like we should.

 

 

 

8 Feb 03 - Happy Birthday wishes to the love of my life, Mike and to my favorite actor, Seth Green. How cool is this? Both are celebrating birthdays today. Mike has requested a chocolate creme pie instead of a traditional birthday cake. Sounds yummy to me. I wonder if the candles will melt the whipped cream?

 

I last night I cracked open a bottle of Snapple's Lemon Iced Tea. After my first sip I always read the "Real Fact" inside the cap. Most of the time they are pretty silly. This time is read,” The average human eats 8 spiders in his/her lifetime while sleeping". I almost threw up. Just the thought of that makes my skin crawl. This can’t probably be true, can it? I'll be tossing the caps in the trash unread for now on.

 

My physical therapy is coming along slowly. My wrist still feels sore. Healing will take longer than I thought. We’ve decided to push our European trip off until August. I want to be able to drag my own luggage around. Plus, I’d hate to be in pain while trying to explore all the sights. I really wanted to go before my 50th birthday in July. A month later won’t make that much of a different I guess. Dotty (Mike's mom) gave us a Vivitar digital camera for Christmas. She always knows what I want. As soon as I can use my hand I'll be post some cool pictures. It will definitely come in handy in Europe this year. Now I won’t have to take a disposable camera on the trip. At the moment holding it is out of the question. My wrist aches that much. I really want to create a photo blog in the near future.

 

I’m beginning to get a bit stir crazy here at home. Everyone keeps telling me to enjoy my time off but I miss the workplace. I spend most of my time watching TV and DVDs, playing with the computer (with my good hand), reading some good books and getting lots of rest. Being on disability sucks. I can’t understand how some people can live off the government. I’d rather work and pay my own way. I feelguilty not being at the office. I’m glad this is only a temporary set back.

 

To end on a happy note, I’m truly enjoying VH1’s “bands reunited”. I’ve been shedding tears watching these people finding one another again. I must say that people get more attractive with age. From Klymaxx, Romeo Void, to Kajagoogoo everyone looks fantastic. The performances are wonderful. Watch them performing and overcoming their differences is a lesson to all of us. I can’t wait to watch the rest of these shows. A big thumbs to the creator of this brilliant idea.

14 Feb 03 - What is it about Valentine's Day that turns some females into greedy little monsters? Does a box of chocolates, some expensive flowers and a cheesy card prove your man's undying love? The flowers will die, the card will get tossed in a drawer, and you'll complain that the candy made you fatter. Every time I see that Crescent Diamonds commercial I want to scream! Haven't seen it? Well, picture an annoying little bitch standing in the parking lot of a 5-story apartment building. It's about 3AM in the morning. With bullhorn in hand she yells, "Jesse, get down here, NOW!" while stomping her right foot. (Note: This is Mike's favorite part, "Whoa, look at that ass jiggle!")

 

Now here's why this ad pisses me off: 1) she has no respect for the other people in the building who are trying to sleep; 2) she has the nerve to DEMAND him get up; and 3) her actions show that she is nothing but a cold-hearted, materialistic woman. There's another version of this commercial when we actually get to see Jesse but it rarely gets shown. I have several fantasies on how this commerical should end: 1) Jesse shouts down out of his window and says, "What the hell are you doing, you stupid bitch? Get the yell out of here! I never want to see your psycho ass again!"; 2) One of the neighbors pulls out a gun and shoots the loud-mouthed twit; 3) The apartment manager calls the cops and they drag her away screaming for disturbing the peace; 4) Jesse comes to the door with another girl wearing his T-shirt and yells, "Get lost! I've found someone else who's not raving lunatic!"; or 5)The watch dog that patrols the apartment complex bites her in the leg. Now these would be much more entertaining! Go buy your own damn diamond! Here is some history on how this holiday began.

 

 

7 Mar 03 - I haven't felt like writing lately. Too many other things on my mind. Baby Bush's need to kill and destroy for one. I can't sleep at nights thinking about when the fighting and dying will begin. And forget about having an intelligent conversation about world peace. The other day I was told to keep it down, "You don't want people to think you're against the United States, do you?" Tell me, since when did talking about peace become un-American? Did you hear about the man who was arrested in a shopping mall for wearing a peace T-shirt?

 

I found out that my father has less than 6 months to live. All those years of cigarettes and drinking finally caught up to him. I've been crying alot and feeling so sad. I've got to come to terms that we'll never have that father-daughter relationship I've always desired. After all these years I've been holding onto the dream that he would love me. Reality is slowly hitting me, it's never going to happen.

 

Uncontrollable tears seem to come at the strangest moments. I find myself weeping over some silly TV commercial. In the bathroom at work. While laying in bed. I haven't told any of my friends about this. Mike is the only one outside the family who knows. Poor thing, he's had to deal with my crying spells and depression. As always he's here for me.

 

Death and dying are constantly on my mind. I probably won't be around in 40 years.

That is a scary thought. There are so many things I want to do before I'm gone - own a golden retriever, plant a flower garden, have coffee in a cafe in Paris, or live in a dwelling where I can paint the walls any colour I want. One thing I regret is never having a baby. I would have been a good mother too.

19 Mar 2003 - Mike and his east coast buddy, Rico are going to Amsterdam in May. I would really love to go but I'm afraid to fly with the world situation the way it is. We've been talking about going to Europe together someday and hopefully it will happen in the next year or so. Icould get some Xanax from my doctor but I worry about being on an airplane for that many hours. Weird, I know, especially with my friends and co-workers that are flying all over the place. Amy just took off for New Zealand after spending several months in Morocco, India and Spain. The girl amazes me. I know that Mike will have the time of his life hanging out in the coffeehouses, going to museums, etc. I suppose we need some down time away from each other. I'm sure every couple does. And yes, it will be nice to have the apartment to myself for two weeks. The nights will be lonely though and I'll miss that warm body of his. I haven't slept alone for over 4 years now! Last night made his hotel reservations since he's shy about talking to strangers. I had a great conversation with Mara, one of the clerks. She was so nice and friendly! It was like talking to an old friend. We chatted about the city and my fear of flying (she's heading off to New Zealand in June). I laughed when she said she was taking lots of Xanax! Ah yes, the drug of choice for a calm and peaceful flight. She promised me that she and her staff would take good care of the boys. Now a part of me really wants to sit in a cafe and chat with strangers, experience the different kinds of cheeses, stroll along the canals, etc. It would be wonderful to be with Mike in a foreign land. How romantic is that? Someday.

I went to the new Walgreen's that opened up near my office. I was shocked to see a huge selection of black cosmetics including Posner, Black Radiance and Black Opal. The manager is black too. Unbelievable! Anyone who knows Santa Barbara will understand why I'm so excited. If you have dark skin the choices in this town are slim to none. My favorite lipstick is MAC's Cyber but now I can purchase cheaper colours to play around with. When I mentioned to the cashier how happy I was she said that was just the beginning. More brands are on the way. It's a bit odd though, since the surrounding neighborhood is 99% white. If only they would open up a store downtown.

02 Aug 2003 - Mike and I didn’t get to bed until 530AM. While he played video games I attempted to make some black icons. I'm so tired of finding just one available (usually Billie Holliday) when I sign up to use a message board. There are so many wonderful black female stars from the 1920s-1960s. I get so frustrated when I scroll through 50 or more images and find tons pictures of Madonna, Bettie Page, Marilyn Monroe, etc. I love Marilyn but I don’t necessary feel she represents me as a black woman. A lot of message boards forget that women of other shades also post. I made a list and searched the internet for pictures. I was surprised at the number of images I was able to find. So many beautiful black ladies in their prime – Bessie Smith, Josephine Baker, Billie Holliday, Ethel Waters, Pearl Bailey, Ella Fitzgerald, Nina Simone, Lena Horne and Dorothy Danridge (who is pictured above). The list goes on and on. It's a shame they aren’t represented in most of the retro groups I come across. So, instead of bitching I'm thinking of joining one of these icon making groups and show my stuff. I want to play around in Photoshop first and get creative. Maybe I’ll get Mike to help me with Flash too. We’ll see.

Before going to bed we watched a very disturbing German film called Das Experiment. A group of doctors are monitoring this “scientific” 2-week long case study with "prisoners" vs. "guards" with cameras placed throughout the test area. They then sit back watching and recording what unfolds on videotape. There is one main rule that the prison guards must follow and enforce the rules without resorting to violence. Yeah, right. It's a great movie in my opinion. Mike thought it was a little too predicable. We never agree on movies. Oh yes, it stars the yummy actor Moritz Bleibtreu from Run Lola Run. He’s amazing in his role as one of the prisoners.

I should be sleeping but I was awakened by a nearby neighbor who is teaching him/herself the electric guitar. I keep hearing the same riff from "Pretty Woman" - over and over again! Wait. That racket has finally ended. It looks like someone pulled the plug. Finally. I'm going to crawl back into bed and try to catch up on some much needed rest.

05 Aug 03 - I actually made some icons! Here's a few of your viewing pleasure:

07 Aug 03 - My state is doomed. Arnold Schwarzenegger aka The Terminator is running for Governor of California. Didn't we learn the first time around with Ronald Reagon? Things are never dull here in the Golden state.

14 Aug 03 - New Yorkers continue to amaze me. I'm watching 1,000's of them walk for miles and miles because of a massive blackout that happened a few hours ago. Everyone looks is so calm even though many have been walking for at least 60 blocks or more. CNN news reports say there is no sign of terrorism. I'm sure the memory of 9-11 popped into the minds on many. The blackout spread from Canada to New Jersey, and as far west as Ohio and Michigan. People are still trapped in elevators, subways, and hospitals are running on generators. ATMs and cell phones aren't working either. And it's hot as hell.

Naturally I got on the phone to check on those I love on the East Coast. Mike's mom Dotty lives in Connecticut and she said that her lights were out for only a minute or two. My sister's in-laws are in New Jersey and they reported that their lights were out about an hour. Their daughter Kathy lives in NYC but she made it home safely. She lives only five blocks from her office. She hasn't been able to reach her boyfriend Rick by cell phone. Hopefully he'll be home soon.

I pray that when nightfall comes people will continue to help each other. I've got my fingers crossed that there won't be any violence or looting. That city has already gone through so much.

I'm trying the hardest not to think about the war but It's impossible. In just a few short hours the killing will begin. The whole world is going to be affected by this no matter what anyone says. I've given up trying to have intelligent conversations with Bush loving war mongers. It's like talking to a brick wall. Anyone that gets enjoyment over the pain of others is not human. It doesn't matter what religion you are or the colour of your skin. Everybody bleeds red blood. (The image below was created by Mike Tolento.)

Update: It was around this time I decided to stop putting my really personal stuff on my website. Things got a little creepy with weird emails. etc. I created another online journal elsewhere that gave more control over who reads it.