26 June 01 - As you can see I haven't written an online journal entry for some time. I'm still trying to decide if I want share my innermost thoughts and feelings this way. Publishing a zine is one thing but lately I've received a lot of crazy emails and letters. Jerks telling me what I should or should not write about. They have the nerve to preach to me about my "bad" attitude. Most of the complaints have been from white men. This really doesn't surprise me. Some seem to think they have the pulse on what it means to be a black woman in America. This makes me sick. Maybe I'll post some of the letters to give you an idea of the kind of people I deal with. They have the impression I'm mean and angry all the time. Or that I hate white people. Yeah, tell that to Mikey. Funny, there's only one "angry" section (random blackgirl thoughts) which was written long ago. A website is NOT a person's entire personality! You can't sum up someone by a few words posted on the world wide web.

30 June 01 - After another boring day at my place of employment, I met Mike downtown. He had just purchased HUNGER (1890) by Knut Hamsun and wanted to find a quiet sunny place to read. I'm still working on THE COMPLETE STORIES of Franz Kafka. We found a nice spot at a local park, pulled out the beach chairs and soaked in the sunbeams for about an hour. Later in the evening he kicked my butt playing a Dreamcast kung-fu video game. I really need to practice. It's so nice to have someone I can relax and have fun with.

04 July 01 - My car broke down late Tuesday afternoon. I had to wait an hour for the tow truck and missed my watercolour class. Bummer. I called Scott who runs a mobile auto repair service and he's coming by in the morning. It's looks like the starter has to be replaced and will cost about $200.00. Extra money I was saving for our trip to San Juan Capistrano in two weeks for Angela's wedding. It never fails, every July some major unexpected bill turns up. Why always so close to my birthday?

* * *

On a happier note, this was a nice holiday. My sister had a BBQ at her house. Our brother Brent showed up and that was a pleasant surprise. I haven't seen him in over 3 years! Everyone was in a good spirits talking about the good ole days, and how silly we were as children. I felt connected for once. It's funny what you remember years later - singing to "West Side Story"; listening to Bill Cosby's "To Russell, My Brother to Whom I Slept With" at high speed (78 rpm); music wars about who's a better group - The Beatles, Chicago, Earth, Wind and Fire or ELO (my personal favorite); talking about silly family "secrets", etc. I hope I share more times like that with the four of them.

08 July 01 - Two weeks ago I bought tickets to see the Irish play, THE WEIR by Conor McPherson. We headed out to the Ensemble Theatre with plenty of time to spare. As we were walking through the courtyard a woman stopped us. "Are you coming to see the play? If so, you've already missed the first 50 minutes." Damn, I thought it started at 8pm! I was so bummed. I asked if we could see it another evening she said I'd have to call on the office on Tuesday. I'm hoping that the person on the other end with be kind and say "yes". I know, I screwed up but I'd hate to waste 40 dollars. I haven't seen live theatre in ages and this play sounds fantastic. After standing in the courtyard and feeling like a fool we headed over to Espresso Roma. Mike drew in the sketchbook while I had a double red eye and read a zine. Nothing like a strong cup of coffee to soothe my nerves. Mike suggested we go see a movie. We flipped a coin, KISS OF THE DRAGON or BABY BOY. The hood won. John Singleton did an excellent job of directing this powerful movie. It's excellent and I highly recommend it. I'll catch the kung-fu action later in the week!

* * *

My car troubles are over for the moment and it cost less than I expected. I thought I was going to have to take the city bus. Thanks Scott.

* * *

I'm not looking forward to going to the office in the morning. The person who shares my work space is always coughing, etc. I know my cold keeps returning because of her. It sucks being stuck in a "sick room" all day long. This has been going on for almost two months now. Everyone thinks I'm so lucky to have an office. I'd kill for my very own little cubicle. At least I'd have some privacy and be protected a tiny bit from her germs. With a cube there would be a wall. It's not much but it would be better than nothing! What's taking that voodoo spell so long to kick in? Don't worry, I'm kidding.

* * *

My birthday is this Friday. Yeah, Friday the 13th. I consider it a "good luck" day since 13 is my lucky number. I've waited about 10 years for it to fall on a Friday so I'm excited. I'm not one of those stupid people who freak out by the number. It's been good to me! Unlike most people my age I LOVE my birthday! I never lie about my age either. I'm not sure what I'll be doing but I want it to be special. I've taken a vacation day because work is the last place I want to be. I hope Mike will be up to doing something crazy with me.

15 July 01 - My birthday was Friday the 13th. I've been waiting for almost 10 years for my birthday to fall on this day. Thirteen is my lucky number. I took a vacation day so I could spent it with Mike. He surprised me with a Swedish massage at Camille's the Day Spa. It's the place where local celebs like Kathy Ireland go to get pampered. The room was quiet and dark with a waterfall and soft music playing. My masseuse, Michael was wonderful. There is nothing I love better than the feel of strong hands on my flesh. My stress seems to gather up in my neck and shoulders and massage helps to release the tension. Afterwards we jumped on a trolley to see KISS OF THE DRAGON. What an awesome movie! It might be too violent for some cry babies though. Jet Li was amazing! I've been talking about him since 1991 when I saw ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA, at the Asian Film Festival. (Part one of a series.) Afterwards we decided to head home for some pasta, plum wine and a video. If you like foreign films you might enjoy the French flick, THE DREAMLIFE OF ANGELS (1999). A simple and touching tale of two young women. I loved it.

* * *

On Saturday it was BBQ time at my sister Sandra's house. It was nice hanging out with the family again. Twice in one month! We had a nice little feast - Tri-tip, hamburgers, hotdogs, homemade potato salad, ranch style beans, fruit salad, and Pam's pasta salad. Yummy! My sister Darla made a "Big Ass Chocolate Cake" for me. It was huge! Two cans of chocolate frosting was used to cover it all. I received lots of presents - candles, bath soap, incense, wine, massage oil, books, etc. I hope we have more good times like this with plenty of laughter and silliness.

* * *

Mike came home from work tonight with another present for me. A new video game - CONFIDENTAL MISSION for our Sega Dreamcast. He knows I've been craving for another action-packed game like Golden Eye or Perfect Dark. Nothing is better than Nintendo but this one looks pretty exciting. Yeah, I love those shoot and kill 'em games. Believe it or not they soothe my nerves after a frustrating day. It's been fun being the Birthday Queen for the weekend!

26 July 01 - On Sunday Mike and I drove down to San Juan Capistrano for Angela and Bruce's wedding. It was a heavenly affair. Bunnigrrrl (as is she better known) is one of my dearest friends. We met several years ago when we first traded our zines.

* * *

Work is starting to get to me again. All the injustices, all the lies - I can't stand it! Also, for some reason everyone tells me their secrets. It's been that way my entire life. Most of the time its ok because I'm a good listener. But other times my brain gets overloaded and it feels like it might explode.

03 Aug 01 - After a crazy week at the workplace I'm ready for the trip to Los Angeles tomorrow. I really need to get away. I know the change of scenery will do me good. I should be writing down everything that happened recently but I don't have the strength. Maybe when I'm feeling a bit less stressed.

12 Aug 01 - Everything is getting to me these days. Work is especially draining. Not the actual stuff I do but the people surrounding me. With the new cubicle arrangements outside my office the peaceful environment had been turned upside down. The entire finance department moved from the other side of the building and is now located right outside my door. There are newly created pathways to get use to. Even our printer in a different location. Some of these people are extremely loud and have no consideration for those who need to concentrate.

I'm also trying to come to terms with that fact my boyfriend doesn't want to be part of the "zine scene" anymore. He doesn't want to talk about anything that's zine-related. It's hard for me not to share. I get excited about the smallest things. Naturally I need to tell the one I feel closest to. I respect his decision but I had this dream of publishing zines and comics together. He's such a gifted cartoonist and I have a lot of stories in my head. Last week's LA Zinesters Picnic just didn't feel right without him. Damnit, I want my boyfriend with me. When I'm in a good mood I want to have him close by to cling to. To share the moment with. Well, I'll have to get use to it. I've made plans to go to San Francisco in October to attend MAZE. Work is another part of my life he has no interest in. I can't help bringing work shit home because I need to talk about it. He can't understand my need to tell him what's driving me mad. Then again, if I'm really depressed he's always there for me. I can cry on his shoulder if I need to and he'll hold me tight. What's more important than that?

* * *

Two weddings in one week. Both were beautiful and I enjoyed sharing that special moment with my friends. A few days ago though it hit me hard - I'm never going to have a wedding. Not in this lifetime. I guess I've always know this and thought I was ok. It doesn't help that I just finished watching the feel good movie, The Best Man. For once, a wonderful movie about black people who don't live in the hood and kill each other! Ok, it's time for the Fox Sunday line-up to get me in a happier mood!

15 Aug 01 - I'm nervous about my job interview later this afternoon. Same company, different department. More money and a calmer environment. Just what the doctor ordered. I'm extremely nervous even though I know all the people on the interview committee. And I hate talking about my skills and "selling" myself even though I'm qualified for the position.

* * *

I was hoping that Mike would give me a pep talk or wish me good luck this morning. All I got was a hug when I left for work. Some people don't even get that so why am I complaining? We were talking about how needy I am the other night. He made a comment that need a lot of attention. My response was I never had it as a child and most of my adult life so yeah, I'm needy. That's never been a secret. Poor Mike, he has to deal with my moody swings and moments of insecurity. Sometimes I wonder how he puts up with it. We've been living together almost three years now - that's a milestone in my life. Pretty remarkable. I only hope my restlessness and little bouts of depression won't drive him away. I'm doing my best to understand his quietness and inner struggles too. Loving someone can be tough sometimes but that's part of the relationship process.

16 Aug 01 - The interview went well yesterday. I felt calm and peaceful while answering the questions the four women asked me. The hard part is over. I'll find out the outcome in about a week.

* * *

After work I went to Cafe Siena. I ordered a double Depth Charge and got lost in a pile of zines. About an hour later I was flying on a caffeine high! I pulled out some paper and did a shitload of writing. Nothing like strong coffee to get my creative juices flowing. Afterwards I walked around the corner and sat on the libarary steps waiting for Mike to get off work. I'll pulled out another zine and read awhile. Mike came up behind me and guess what the first words out of his mouth were? "How did the job interview go?" He remembered after all! What started out as a crappy day ended up been better than I hoped for. Now it's time to crawl into bed and cuddle before he falls asleep.

19 Aug 01 - I've got the cold from hell! I started feeling a bit achy on Friday but its summertime and I shouldn't be sick. Not with this perfect weather.

* * *

Earlier today I went to a birthday BBQ for my niece and brother. She turned 16 this week. We use to be extremely close but the past 3-4 years she was has slowly closed the door on our relationship. Everyone tells me its just what teenagers do but I disagree. I see friends who have great relationships with their nieces. It has hurt me terribly. I can't figure out why she hates me. I know that's a strong word but that's how I feel. When I'm at her house she'll completely ignore me. Other times she's disrespectful or talks down to me like I'm stupid. I've always been in her corner. Now the good times are over. I thought we'd be friends forever. She was the daughter I never had. Even her mother told me she was jealous of the closeness between us. When she was young we were never apart. I use to babysit her, took little trips to the mall, the museum, movies, playground, the beach, etc. We had sleepovers and shared little secrets. Tonight she was distant and cold. I'm tired of trying to be her friend. I give up. Someone told me to be an adult and dealt with it. That person can kiss my ass. I refuse to keep letting someone kick me like a dog, no matter how young they are. My niece is not a child and she knows how I feel. I tried talking about it last year and again a a couple of months ago. Fuck it, I give up. I'm not going to try anymore. Everyone I've ever cared about has left me and broken my spirit. Time to add her to the list and move on.

23 Aug 01 - I didn't get the job. I really thought I had a good chance especially since they reopened it and encouraging me to apply. I didn't break down and cry, and I'm not depressed. Just a little sad and disappointed. It makes me mad that they decided to pick someone outside the company. So much for the promises to promote from within.

* * *

Next month's road trip to Berkeley is coming together nicely. Lord knows I need a vacation! Three fun filled days with a group of young and creative people in the big city. Everyone is being so helping with offers of a place to rest my head, cafes and bookstores for me to explore, a BBQ in my honour and crazy nights roaming the streets. I feel like a teenager going on her first weekend away from home. While Mike is chilling on the East Coast this lady is gonna run wild! I feel a bit guilty doing this without him but he's ok with it. Hell, he trusts me. It been a long time since I've had a high adventure as my best friend Dave use to say.

26 Aug 01 - The NBC evening news just announced that R&B singer Aaliyah and eight other people died in a plane crash. I started sobbing. I didn't know much about this young lady or her music. I've only seen her in a video with Brandy that my 12-yr. old nephew made me watch. He had a huge crush on her. I thought she was pretty and had a lovely voice. That was it. I never bought her CDs or followed her career. I cried because she was only 22 and had her whole life ahead of her. No one should die that young. Once again I realized how precious life is. You never know when your time is up. It doesn't matter if you are rich and famous either.

* * *

Years ago I recall wishing I could trade places with Dorothy Stratton (the 1980 Playmate of the Year) for just one day. I wanted to know what it would be like to be rich and beautiful and worshiped by thousands of men. The next day I read in the newspaper that she had been murdered by her husband/manager. It freaked me out! What if I had gotten my wish? To this day I have NEVER wished to be anyone else but myself.

30 Aug 01 - It seems like I've been on a crazy roller coaster ride all week. I'm feeling pretty good except for worrying about my man. It's hard when someone you love is in pain. I FEEL it too. I don't know exactly what's going on inside his head but when he's sad I absorb the sadness. It brings me down. Lately I've been feeling guilty for being happy and excited about stupid little things but I can't change who I am. It's an exciting time for me right now. Many things are happening in my life but he doesn't want to hear about them. At first it hurt, hell it still does. The other day I got to thinking about what its like when I'm depressed. I HATE being around happy people when I'm feeling down. They really bother me. Their happy smiling faces piss me off. I want to be cheerful too and hated myself for being so dead inside. Maybe that's how Mike feels. Depression pulls you into that dark hole and will not let go. It sucks you in like quicksand. I know how hard it is to climb out. If only I had magical powers. I'd wave my magic wand over his sweet head and take all the pain away. I get frustrated at times because I feel him drifting away. If I didn't love him so much I would walk out of his life but I won't give up on our relationship. He's too important to me. I need to stay strong for him. There is no way I will I desert my best friend. What I can't forget though is to take good care of myself too. I refuse to smother good feelings. Luckily I have a nice circle of friends I trust and can turn to and I don't feel so alone. It's a shame that they all live in other places. And no one can take Mike's spot in my life. That's what makes this situation so difficult. I feel change in the air. A good cleansing breeze is passing through my soul. Major changes are on the way. I hope I'm ready for them.

* * *

I'm feeling so much better this evening. Mike's spirits seen higher too. While I was making pasta my dead mother popped into my head. It really bothered me. Why the hell would I be thinking about her while cooking? This is the woman who told me she hated me on her death bed. I fought hard to get her off my mind. Mike wanted to know why I was cussing so I told him. We ended up talking about her and my siblings. I felt better afterwards. I just hate those uncontrollable thoughts that fuck with your brain. Especially on a night when all I wanted to do was kick back with my man.

* * *

Nice magical things have been happening all week long. I might jot them down but for now I want to keep these little treasures all to myself. Some secrets are so sweet and tasty, don't you agree?

03 Sept 01 - It's been a nice Labor Day weekend. Saturday I headed up to the Theatrefest in Solvang, CA (30 mins. north) to see Alfred Hitchcock's ROPE. What's unique about this theatre is that it has no roof! Imagine sitting under the stars on a warm summer evening. Breathtaking. The play itself was excellent! I rarely get the chance to see live theatre so this was a special treat. I spent the evening with my co-workers Lucinda and Beverly (who lives there and got the tickets for us). Earlier we had dinner at a quaint little Danish cafe. I ordered Danish meatballs and sausage with tart red cabbage. It came with delicious potato wedges. Yummy. Afterwards we headed back to Bev's home where we chatted and drank red wine on the patio. I love these two ladies! It was nice to be away from the office with them.

* * *

On Monday Mike had to work at the library for an hour. I tagged along and roamed the shelves. The library's a wonderful place when you have it all to yourself. Afterwards we headed for a late breakfast but every place was packed - Esau's, Come Back Cafe, Cajun Kitchen, Judge for Yourself, even IHOP. Walking back to our car we passed a bar/club next to Pep Boys. By day it's a restaurant! I had no idea! Usually I see it packed at night with drunken fools. The place was empty and we were happy to have it all to ourselves. Mike even got to watch the Mets game. The food was good and there were many items choose from. I had sweet flat tamales with eggs and salsa. I don't recall the bar but it has a Hawaii theme. Then we visited the Museum of Natural History. Mike has been dying to see the "Butterflies Alive" show. It was so beautiful! We walked through a covered green house full of lovely flowers and plants. There were over 50 types of butterflies and moths flying freely, eating the nectar from fresh fruit and the flowers themselves. I got up close and personal. I would have loved to have had the place just to ourselves. Being a holiday it was pretty crowded. I took a few pictures and hopefully they'll be good enough to put the website. It sadden me to learn that a butterfly only has a life span of two weeks. Afterwards we went home and I spent the rest of the day reading and watching TV.

11 Sept 01 - I've tried to write my journal entry several times today. I still feel numb. How could this have happened? All those innocent people killed, dying, and still missing. This is so upsetting and unreal. What if Mike's plane had taken off from LAX this morning? Or he had taken an earlier flight? What if LAX had been a target site? All sorts of images have been around in my head. I'm just glad he's back home safe and sound. I need some good sleep, hopefully free of nightmares.

13 Sept 01 - I haven't told my friends that I'm dealing with my father who is at death's door. He has cancer from all those years of smoking and drinking. He and I were never close. For some reason he didn't like me even though I was his first born child. I've only seen him 6-7 times in the past 30 years. Now, for whatever reason, he's asking to see me. I'm torn between telling him to fuck off for deserting our family or comforting him in his final days. Naturally the good Lynne will win because she doesn't want him to die without saying his peace.

* * *

I'm feeling the pain of 1000s who lost loved ones on Tuesday. I'm sad and depressed. Is this what shell shock feels like? I'm numb. My brain is in zombie mood. Live is so precious. With the violent attacks I realize more and more how valuable life is. I'm happy that Mike made it home safely. I'm sad for all those who lost a loved one. I'm angry with those who had the nerve to do these horrible acts. I'm sicken by the racist comments and actions of my fellow Americans. I'm confused and don't know who to blame. I want people to get along and accept our differences. I pray for peace and understanding.

* * *

It had to happen. I just broke down. I lost it. The flood gates opened wide and the tears flowed. I just couldn't help it. I haven't cried that hard since I saw my mother in the hospital two years ago. So many things on my mind - my father, waiting to hear if I got the new position, the loud and rude co-workers in the finance department, worrying about the people who are still missing, wondering if it will be safe to travel tomorrow, worried that we are going to war, the nastiness of my fellow Americans - the list goes on and on. I hate feeling helpless.

* * *

I'm a little better this evening but feel drained. I still need to pack for tomorrow's trip, do my laundry and staple some zines. Where's my black wool hat? I always leave things to the last minute. I'm sleepy and want to spend some quality time with my man before slipping off to slumberland.

24 Sept 01 - I haven't felt like writing anything for awhile. For anyone who has a burning need to know what's up though here's a brief rundown:

My father is in the hospital and I'm still struggling if I should go see him. People tell me I should but what can I say to a man who walked out on me and the others? He never paid any child support, sent a birthday card, checked to see how I was doing. Nada. Why do people expect me to open my arms to someone who treated me like shit from childhood to my mid teens when he was around? Mike is the only one who seems to understand my feelings. The man fathered six kids and who knows how many others! Yeah, major inner struggle happening here.

* * *

September 11th stills hurts on my heart. I'm afraid of being too far from the apartment and Mike. I don't feel as safe as I use to. I worry that we are going to war. More innocent lives will be lost. I'm afraid for those around the country with brown skin who are being harassed, beaten and murdered by racist fucks.

16 Oct 01 - If it's not one thing, it's another. I lost my daybook/calendar over the weekend. It's almost like losing a good friend. I had all those important addresses and phone numbers, zine fest contacts, secret stuff, little love notes from Mike, journal entries, upcoming appointments, my ongoing idea lists for future zines, passwords, 3 letters containing money for zine orders (how will I be able to contact those readers?), valuable coupons, my favorite Calvin & Hobbes cartoon I've carried for over 7 years, $25 worth of postage stamps, stickers, postcards, and my favorite 3 year old picture of Mike. It was covered with my cool zine stickers (Empty Life, Wishbone, Pander, etc.) I'm sure I'll remember more items as the days go on. I've searched everywhere mentally backtracking every place I was. I've made phone calls, searched the car inside out, looked all over our tiny apartment (even in the damn freezer!) Yeah, I'm crazy. I had my phone number on the front page with "Reward, if found" in big bold letters. If someone was going to turn it in for the cash they would have done it by now. I feel violated knowing that somebody is looking through and reading all that personal stuff. If one more person says, "Where did you leave it last?" I'll kill 'em! If I knew where I left it it wouldn't be lost!

* * *

Father update: I drove down to the hospital in Long Beach the past two weekends and both encounters were wonderful. Unbelievable. It hasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. All the sadness of the past 40+ years disappeared briefly in the background. I was there as a caring adult who will never forget the past but mature enough to deal with the present. He was extremely happy to see me. I could see that being there gave him some comfort. We sat holding hands for the first time in our lives. Imagine that! There are no words to express the emotions that were running around inside. He isn't able to talk so he used a notepad to communicate. I stayed about three hours and the last thing he wrote was "thanks". That's when the tears started to roll down my face. I still feel like I'm dreaming. Life keeps tossing little surprises my way! I still wish that we had the father/daughter relationship I needed of all my life. I realize that will never happen. At least I'm getting the closure I never had with my mother before she died.

* * *

I was so grateful that Mike made the trip with me. I needed him beside me on the way down and coming home. He stayed outside in the parking lot reading and drawing. He didn't want to come inside and that was ok. On the way home we drove to Los Angeles and explored Chinatown. We ate some yummy Chinese food at the Sam Woo Chinese Restaurant. I find it hard to believe it's a chain because the food is simple delicious! Then about 45 minutes from home we stopped at Golf 'n Stuff in Ventura. We played pinball and video games like little kids. It was a great way to end a stressful day.

10 Dec 01 - Why is it when things are going good in my life I don't write in my online journal? I really should share all the wonderful stuff that is happening right now. Stay tuned...

29 Dec 01 - Last night Mike and I celebrated our third anniversary of living together. We spent the evening having dinner at IHOP (yes, IHOP!), walked around downtown. where he ending up buying me the print, "Young Girl In Pursuit" by one of my favorite painters, Marc Chagall (Russian/French Painter and Stained Glass Artist, 1887-1985). Then we saw THE LORD OF THE RINGS. What an masterpiece! It will go down in history as one of the greatest epic movie of all time. I tried to read the book over the years but it just never grabbed me. I left the theatre floating on air! It was a perfect evening.

31 Dec 01 - I love this time of the year. What I wouldn't do to build a snowman. Too bad it never snows in Santa Barbara. Well, 2001 is ending on a positive note. After two failed attempts at applying for jobs in the same department I finally landed the dream job. It's true, the third time's the charm. I'm feeling better mentally and physically, and working with the coolest woman on the planet.

* * *

Watching the Twilight Zone marathon has been a New Year's Eve tradition for years. Poor Mike has to put up with my crazy obsession with the show. He stayed up with me into the wee hours of the morning though. This is my favorite sci-fi TV show of all time. Each week Rod Serling took me on a strange and wonderful journey. Although many of the episodes frightened me I couldn't get enough of it. What made it extra special was viewing it on the brand new 27" colour TV that his mother, Dotty surprised us with for Christmas. I'm looking forward to the many blessings in store for 2002. Happy New Year.

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